Dead

Have you ever had to consider someone dead because they just mysteriously left your life so abruptly and thoroughly and yet, with such unfinished business? That's where I am right now...again. Someone is 'dead' and I have to think it out that way, or else I will go insane with the trying. What am I left to do other than that though? It's like the trying that I'm so known for, is turning against me! What the heck is that!?! I thought I had my defense mechanisms firmly within my grasp, but no. I can feel myself spiraling out of control in a very controlled way...it's like a mania, for christ's sake!
Anyway, it should probably make for some good art in a few weeks once I process it.
But right now I feel like I am in the pits of hell and being punished again for loving so hard and I'm mourning. Actual mourning is going on because I have no other way to process the event.
It feels the same as a death though, so why should I not? I have no other resources with which to deal. Absolutely no understanding of things. And so, here I stand in mourning...buncha crap.